What If the Sex Was Real?


A Bed

A warning to our more sensitive and youthful readers: this post will explore briefly the legal pitfalls in Polk County of doing what married adults who love each other very much do — with varying levels of quality and volume (in both the auditory and frequency senses).

I have no intention of weighing in on the neighborhood dispute between history’s greatest monster — an overaggressive atheist with MS — and the father-and-son hoop players next door. Good fences, etc.

But the apparent illegality of faking orgasm loudly enough to be heard outside your house leaves me with a couple of questions. What if history’s greatest monster was actually screaming in authentic passion? What if John is just that much man? Is the operative word in history’s greatest monster’s alleged crime “simulated” or “sex”?

Please Brad Copley, enlighten us here in Lakeland Local’s comments. Sorry to say, it’s probably not much of an issue in the Townsend household. But I think a number of our more adventurous and boisterous readers might find it a public service. Lacking Brad’s guidance, perhaps Kemp can offer his studied take.

I think once we resolve these pressing questions, we might start to ask ourselves how and why people in Polk County who pose minor annoyances to our rulers so often end up in jail in dubious, later dropped charges. See Randy Wilkinson, see Dewey Smith, see history’s greatest monster. You will notice that this spectrum of lawbreaker runs the gamut from Tea Party conservative to godlessness. Ideology is incidental to annoyance of power. In fact, if I rose to the level of minor annoyance — which I suspect do not — or had contentious neighbors — which I know do not — I might be worried about seeing the inside of John Stargel’s courtroom on business end of Brad Copley’s brand of justice. (Just in case, I often practice this phrase in front of the mirror: “No, you may not search my car.”)

We ought to note that John Stargel, who is a nice enough guy, was a big time Christian conservative Republican operative. He worked on the Bush-Gore recount on 2000, went on to become a legislator, and then slid right into a convenient judgeship. As is so often the case, membership has its privileges. His wife, Kelli Stargel, slid right into her own legislative seat not long afterward on the God ticket. She now wants to grade parents. I’m impressed with the restraint of John Ligouri, the lawyer for history’s greatest monster. If he were in the grandstanding mode, he might demand Judge Stargel recuse himself based on religious conflict of interest.

I remain unclear on how much involvement our good sheriff has on all this. But I hope this does not represent the creeping Arpaioism that a reasoned observer might infer.

In any event, I think the lesson here is clear: if you’re gonna publicly peeve our Christian/business/legal overlords, you better do it missionary, you better do it for real, and you better do it quietly.

Creative Commons License image credit: Russell Sprague

31 thoughts on “What If the Sex Was Real?

  1. I think we might have a new term created here: legal lynching. Though I have considered the possibility that she might be in on this herself. Maybe more rational Republicans are trying to scrape the Tea Party off their shoe soles long before the election?

  2. “Legalized Lynching!” What a great term, Susan!

    Whatever the circumstances with Ms. Wachs, there is clearly an established pattern as Billy points out.

    We can all cite examples — and we’re even importing undesirables into Polk County so we can pay for incarcerating them and grinding them through the legal system until a deal is reached because the charges probably wouldn’t have stood up in court anyway. Example: How many of the 60 prostitutes netted in the last big sting actually came from Polk County? Do I hear “1”? So does that mean we “imported” 59 trollops at our own expense? — so we could fill up our jail and the front page of the Ledger?

    Bill of Rights and other inconvenient legal constraints aside, when we’re gutting our state and local services because we’re broke, isn’t it time we do a little sensible prioritization in law enforcement? Shouldn’t our resources maybe go to eradicate meth labs and pill mills before we worry too much about alleged “sex sounds” which couldn’t possibly be more detrimental to the child “witness” than the gratuitously violent video games that seem to pervade our kids entertainment these days anyway?

  3. To answer your question (and this is not to be construed as legal advice), the offense is:
    “A person who… intentionally commits any other sexual act that does not involve actual physical or sexual contact with the victim, including, but not limited to, sadomasochistic abuse, sexual bestiality, or the simulation of any act involving sexual activity in the presence of a victim who is less than 16 years of age, commits lewd or lascivious exhibition.” Fla. Stat. sec. 800.4(7)(a)(3). Therefore, I think the operative word is “sex,” as the statute criminalizes it in the presence of a minor whether it is simulated or not.

    • Actually, I suspect the operative words are “intentionally” and “presence” now that I read it closely. I think that people engaged in marvelously passionate and wholesome intercourse, as long as they have not antagonized powerful people with their religious beliefs, may bellow away in ecstasy if they have no real reason to suspect any child is looking on or listening in. If not, Brad Copley and company have basically outlawed married people — or parents generally — from having sex if their kids are home. Talk about hitting people where they live.

  4. This Wachs woman clearly needs to seek some mental health counseling, but “history’s greatest monster?” Really? Isn’t that just a bit over the top?

    As to the rest of it, right on man! This is the same county where you can be lured in for obscenity charges.

    • To clarify Skep, I don’t actually believe that history’s greatest monster is history’s greatest monster. I will let readers decide why I chose to use that bit of hyperbole.

  5. “Is calling someone’s name considered sex? My husband got a phone call while he was out in the yard this afternoon. I called his name to let him know. Does that make me vulnerable to a vindictive neighbor’s complaint?”


    “And while you’re here, Kemp Brinson, does a state license make on an attorney or successfully completing a course of appropriate study at law school?”

    Depends on the context. One must be licensed to practice law by the state to practice law.

    “How did the county attorney get involved in this?”

    As far as I know, Michael Craig is not involved in this.

  6. Too many hits for me to get the reference without more data. Anyway that was mostly me trying to be “funny trollish”. Guess it bombed… :-)

  7. Didnt the neighbor have a restraining order against her? Obviously she ran afoul of the neighbor way before this incident. And to be honest if a neighbor of mine was really having that good of a time or faking it enough so that my daughter was prompted to ask me questions I would have an issue. If it was a first time run in then thats one thing but if I was constantly bothered by a neighbor and they infringed apon my ability to live in a safe clean neighborhood I believe I would be prompted to take some action. Also if I knew a neighbor had an issue with me enough so that I had legal runs ins before hand I think its kind of tempting fate to do something as outlandish as she did.

    • I believe they had applied for, but not received, an injunction. But as I noted, the post is neutral concerning the neighborhood dispute, about which neither I — nor you — have information beyond the prosecutor’s story. You will notice the many ifs in your comments.

      I’m more interested about the application of state power in absurd ways.

  8. Power is power, whether good, bad, or absurd. The only difference is our individual perspectives on its application. The only way to protect ourselves from what we consider absurd is to reduce power in all of its applications, even the ones we happen to agree with.

    • You don’t have a perspective; you have a religion, which has no interest in the actual world beyond its scriptures, which is why you’re not interesting or useful to talk to. Everything you post is a liturgy. You’re incapable of looking at flaws in your dogma because God (or whatever you substitute for it) makes no mistakes.

      If you were, I would ask you to consider that there is no reducing of power; there can only be imperfect balancing. Power restrained in one place flows to another, because the world does not exist in the comfortable order devoid of human beings that you imagine. Human beings all search for power. There is no such thing as small government. In the absence of government, government will arise in the form of mobs or brutality.

      And somehow, I suspect the “we” in our comment really translates into “you,” which is an unattractive bit of dishonesty.

      • Wow, that almost…hurt. Amen Brother! If Freedom is a religion then I have a calling for the priesthood. The alter I worship at is nothing less than our full human potential.

        I love your thought about power flows and will meditate on that more. It occurs to me at the moment, that power in this sense is really just decision making capacity. We started this country with the individual in charge of almost all of the decisions that impacted their well being. Over the succeeding generations we have ceded that power to government and bred a population amenable to the diminution of the individual. Jefferson, Franklin, and others predicted it. They were students of history and knew the manner in which all republics fail. They did their best to give us the best starting conditions they could, but it just delayed the inevitable. Beyond being just a republic, America has always been a meritocracy that unleashed the productive of her people and led the world to the greatest heights mankind has achieved. We’re undoing the meritocracy while replacing it with an entitlement mentality and the republic is failing along with it.

        My hope is that as humans mature as a species the lesson will sink in that allowing power to concentrate in a few always leads to disasters both big and small. Order in society stems from the individual, not centralized power.

        Back to the original subject of this post though, I sometimes wonder at the zeal of our county law enforcement with respect to all things sexual, but I personally have never felt threatened by it. I guess that if I did I would just move somewhere else. The sheriff and the state attorney are elected offices, so if there’s a large enough outcry something could be done about it.

        • “We started this country with the individual in charge of almost all of the decisions that impacted their well being. ”

          No we didn’t. 

          • So, who are you suggesting was in charge of individual retirement, medical care, food safety, water safety, energy, etc etc etc? 

            There was no cradle to grave nannying as we have it today.

          • Hey, there’s a wee bit of specificity. Why don’t you answer what you think I would say? I bet we can get even more specific. I do find it curious you think having someone in charge of water safety is bad and hurtful to freedom. 

          • Having someone in charge of water safety isn’t a bad thing. I like clean water. Monopolistic government controls over such resources is a bad thing.
            “The Myth of the Natural Monopoly”: http://mises.org/daily/5266

            How’s that Lakeland Electric thing been working out for us? Just how many Tens of Millions of our tax dollars were spent to subsidize their contracting errors?

            “The very term “public utility” … is an absurd one. Every good is
            useful “to the public,” and almost every good … may be considered
            “necessary.” Any designation of a few industries as “public utilities”
            is completely arbitrary and unjustified.”
            — Murray Rothbard, Power and Market

          • I knew you couldn’t stand it. I knew we’d get back in monopolies and unicorns. LE has worked out spectacularly for people who care about quality of life in their city. Almost nothing that Lakelanders like about Lakeland–including its tiny property tax rate–would be possible without our socialist power plant. How is it you can live here and not know that?

          • We’re about middle of the pack nationwide for electrical rates, but then there aren’t any real free markets for electrical utilities.

            Who lost their job when we were getting the @#$@# taxed out of us to cover the fuel overhead costs they they forgot to put in the FMPA contract? Have you already forgotten that whole episode? Over $100 MILLION??


          • Is that in English? You’re reduced to quoting year-old letters to the editor now? Come on, your trolling is even usually a little better than that. Lemme help you:

            LE pumps about $20 mill/year into our public facilities that would otherwise go to TECO or whomever. It keeps property taxes down, builds very nice parks, etc. Most people don’t think that’s bad. You do. It made a terrible deal a few years back, and now that’s finished with that deal and back to normalcy you think it’s time to throw it away as an asset. Remind never to hire you as a business advisor, no matter how many all caps and squiggle letters you use.

          • Oh, c’mon. That’s like complaining that we’re buying a barrel of Canadian crude oil instead of a domestic one. Bastiat shot that down over a century ago. The unseen matters as much or more than the seen. What might those who actually earned the money do it with if it wasn’t taken from them for other purposes?

            Are you just avoiding the point? Because LE management screwed up the FMPA contract, Lakeland customers SUBSIDIZED the utility bills of FMPA customers by Tens of Millions! That’s money that left Lakeland to pay someone else’s bill. 

            That Ledger link just summarized the outrage nicely. There’s “real” reporting in there too:


          • I gotta hand it to you. You are the most relentless commenter I’ve ever seen. You have earned the crown. It’s almost enough to make me say bring the Randian hellspace if it’ll just get you to stop. But, most people find me exhausting, so I just suppose I’ve met my match and mm getting my just desserts. Try to enjoy a weekend free of ideology for the sake of all our sanities.

          • You’ve just had it your way too long.   :-)

            The problem, as I see it, with libertarians is that they are not very aggressive with public outreach. I won’t always be right, but I’ll always try to thoughtfully express my views and we’ll let people do their own research to decide. Sometimes just getting a hint of a competing view might intrigue someone into looking into it for themselves. 

          • “The problem, as I see it, with libertarians is that they are not very aggressive with public outreach.”

            Skep, they just bought the Florida State University economics department. Do you deny that? Good lord. If that’s not aggressive, I’d hate to see what is. You are the most outsizedly aggressive people in the country.

          • Hey, there’s a wee bit of specificity. Why don’t you answer what you think I would say? I bet we can get even more specific. I do find it curious you think having someone in charge of water safety is bad and hurtful to freedom. 

        • “Back to the original subject of this post though, I sometimes wonder at
          the zeal of our county law enforcement with respect to all things
          sexual, but I personally have never felt threatened by it. I guess that
          if I did I would just move somewhere else. The sheriff and the state
          attorney are elected offices, so if there’s a large enough outcry
          something could be done about it.”

          This is not about “sex” except in narrowest sense of this particular ridiculous instance — and several others where we’ve imported perverts to commit crimes here so we could arrest them in Polk County.  It’s about the appropriate focus of law enforcement and the the appropriate use of power that we the people delegated to our elected officials.  The Wachs case is simply a metaphor for a truly important issue that Billy raised to start with and which the even the  Ledger acknowledged the  in editorial comment.

          This thread may be a new record for trivializing the truly important issues that we face as a community.

  9.  Restarting that thread Billy and I have going due to space issues.

    Billy, that’s just a thimble of fresh water in a sea of brine. The Koch brothers are pikers compared to Soros. 

    If libertarians are so aggressive, how have the Liberals, Progressives, and Conservatives been stealing the country out from under all of us?

    Hey, did you see that by Monday the U.S. Treasury will hit the legal debt ceiling? I wonder if the sky will really fall? OMB just says we’ll have to prioritize bondholder interest payments over other government spending. Cowboy poetry and turtle paths hardest hit…

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