The Battle of the Bulge

The Battle of the Bulge is something I’ve fought all of my adult life. And of course, the older I get the more the bulge gets the best of me.

It doesn’t help when you have tall, skinny friends who weigh 108 pounds on a hefty day and wear size zero jeans. Meanwhile, I’m short, weigh none-of-your-damn-business and wear size fat-in-the-ass.

The skinny friend went through a bout of out-of-control weight loss recently. I felt so bad for her. Yeah right.

But she kept wasting away and frankly, I began to worry. She did, too. It turns out she had hyperthyroidism. This is nothing to fool around with, and I know that.

However, in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help being jealous. Why does she get to have hyperthyroidism and lose all the weight? Why couldn’t I have hyperthyroidism, too?

Now let me just share something about my twisted thoughts. In my mind, I should be able to choose the characteristics of hyperthyroidism that I want. Obviously, I just want the ones that result in drastic, overnight weight loss. I’ll even handle the chronic diarrhea. But you can keep the hair loss, the resting pulse rate of 140 BPM, the inability to sleep and the nagging feeling that your insides are trying to vibrate right out of your body.

Also, in this fantasy world of mine, I could schedule my hyperthyroidism. It would last until I lost the appropriate amount of weight and then it would just go away. Seriously, that’s not asking much.

While whining about my weight to the Skinny Friend, she offered her seven step plan to becoming anorexic. We thought it was ha-ha funny, but I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t considering following the steps. Not all of them are unhealthy:

The Skinny Girl’s Guide to Becoming An Anorexic

1. When you feel hunger pangs, drink water.

2. Cravings typically last 60 seconds. Distract, distract, distract.

3. Plan errands around mealtimes. (I have implemented this- I grocery shop on my lunch hour)

4. Eat your meals on a small plate, such as a salad plate. Eat on a black plate if possible, and avoid eating on red or orange plates.

5. Chop food into small pieces before eating and put your fork down between bites.

6. Count how many times you chew your food before swallowing and double it.

7. Exercise daily. For hours.

photo credit: Julija Felajn