Somehow, I have become included on the email list of a major Polk Republican kingmaker, donor and general person-about-the-county. And I’ve started receiving blast forwards of tidbits designed to rally the troops.
That’s understandable. Times are about as tough as they can get for the folks who sit astride Polk County like colossuses. The development economy has collapsed, and there’s a good chance the country will elect a secret Muslim, terrorist fist-bumping representative of polyglot America who may increase their taxes.
And judging from some of the names included in this support list, there may be more than a few of these folks who can empathize with forgetting how many houses they inherited.
Anyway, I hope they keep including me on this list, because these viral emails are most entertaining.
The breathless tagline from the email was: This video from Congress is an eyeopener folks. IT’S GONNA KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF!!! The MEDIA did not tell us about this speech in CONGRESS!
What the email didn’t mention was the identity of that congressman: Don Young of Alaska. He’s under federal investigation for wrongdoing in connection to, wait for it: an oil services company. It’s the same investigation that just indicted Alaska senator Ted Stevens. I guess forgetting to mention that fact is understandable, given that Republican politicians believe so strongly in the presumption of innocence.
Clip number two is a Republican party-produced montage of Democrats saying nasty things about Saddam Hussein in the years before the Iraqis invasion. They called it: “Et tu Democrats.”
Says one support group member: THIS COUNTRY NEEDS TO RUN THIS VIDEO OVER AND OVER UNTIL ALL OF US FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON! … The next time you hear the expression. “Bush’s war” remember this video!!!
And here I thought all along Republicans were proud of “Bush’s War.” Isn’t that what they ran on in 2004? When did all your rock-ribbed, upstanding real American smack turn into “it’s the Democrats’ fault for enabling us?” Man up, and take responsibility for your own disasters. Isn’t that what conservatism is supposed to be about?
Along those lines, here’s the most recent and my favorite of the emails, under the subject line: Another convert.
I was talking to a friend of mine’s six-year-old little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?
She replied, “I’d give houses to all the homeless people.” “Wow – what a worthy goal,” I told her,
“But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I ‘ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.”
She thought that over for a few seconds ’cause she’s only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
And I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
Her folks still aren’t talking to me.
1) Clearly, the Republicans have developed a powerful strategy for locking in the all-important soft-hearted 6-year-old swing vote. The remainder of the converts, even in Polk County, seem to be headed in the other direction. But never let the facts get in the way of a good subject line.
2) It’s a good thing that Lakeland’s Republican-dominated government and civic establishment embraces this tough-love, teach-a-man-to-fish ethic so endemic to the Republican identity. You’ll never have to worry about this Republican city becoming a destination of choice for homeless people across the state. Lakeland would never accept the warehousing of other cities’ homeless populations in its downtown core. Uhhhh, well, OK. Nevermind.
3) This is what the so-called party of Lincoln, party of Reagan has become? A bunch of masters of the universe hanging their hats on fictional stories about 6-year-old girls to remember they used to claim self-reliance matters? I’m no libertarian. The public needs services. Those services need to be paid for, by taxes. The debate should be over which services and which taxes are necessary.
But let’s be very, very clear: It’s Republicans that have jacked up taxes in this county. Period. It was Bruce Parker and Bob English who pushed those taxes most forcefully. And one could argue convincingly that they were right to do so. But one cannot simultaneously argue that they represent a party that cares a whit about letting you keep more of your own money. Such a Republican party does not exist. How many of the Republican bigwigs in this support group do you think have Bob English signs in their yards?
You think any of the members of this Republican sewing circle think CSX ought to go pick weeds somewhere in Florida to justify the $600 million plus we’re all paying to allow it to dominate shipping in the state? The fact is, at this twilight of the Republican revolution, the conservative ethic has become to treat government as risk-free, interest-free bank designed to squelch free-market competition and generate more wealth for the people lucky enough to inherit it.
Really, where have all the Republicans gone? I miss them.
It would be sad if it wasn’t so funny.